GoJasonville Wayne and Tamara Advice Column

Relationship advice column from Wayne and Tamara. Note: This is an advice column that contains relationship advice and may contain information that may not be suitable for young children...

Columns:

Snowflakes

This one is on behalf of my best friend. My friend feels her mother-in-law is a terrible grandmother who falls far short of her expectations. She adores dogs and shows them more love and affection than her own grandchildren. My friend often compares this woman to her own mother who dotes on the children.

Sometimes my friend tells her mother-in-law directly what she thinks of her, and she cries. Her husband does not feel his mother is a loving grandmother, but he loves his mum and wants a peaceful life.

Coincidentally I have a similar setup with my in-laws. They have more time for animals--dogs, cats, and goats--and show them more love and affection than their grandchildren. They are more inclined to help the needy, like handicapped and poor people. However, my husband and I accept it is their choice to live as they wish, and we are always polite and respectful to them. I've encouraged my children to accept them as they are, which they do.

We made a lot of effort to fit in with my husband's family over the past decade, but now are less interested as it is only one way. We visit a few times a year, but that is not an issue as we live 100 miles away. We're expected to call from time to time, but conversations are restrained as we honestly don't have interest in each other's lives.

I ask questions like, have you been to a goat show lately. But they ask none in return, not even how are the children. That's just how they are. I feel my friend is competing with her mother-in-law, trying to prove she's bad and her mum's better. What do you suggest? Once again my friend is due to tell her mother-in-law how disappointed she is in her.

Sybil

Sybil, there is a translation of Lao Tzu by Witter Bynner which contains these words. "As the soft yield of water cleaves obstinate stone, so to yield with life solves the insoluble…. But this unworded lesson, this easy example, is lost upon men."

You've learned to expect no more from your in-laws than they are prepared to offer, and that is the mark of a wise person. In addition, your children accept them on their own terms. This is a boat not to rock.

Your friend is attempting the impossible. She has an idea of the ideal grandmother, and she is determined to make her mother-in-law conform to that ideal. It's like trying to hold back the tide or make the wind obey. She should be grateful her children have one grandmother who meets her expectations.

Those children are going to spend their lives dealing with a variety of people in a real world. They need to accept reality and understand people for who they are. That is a far more valuable practice than expending energy trying to make people conform to our mental image. This is one area where supporting your friend does everyone a disservice.

Wayne & Tamara

A Zealot

My husband's brother wrote a letter to my husband a few years ago. The letter stated that my husband was soon to die--he has heart problems--and should make his peace with the Lord. This brother-in-law is a religious fanatic, but I think he was out of place writing the letter.

My husband laughed it off, but I cannot get over it. We will be seeing this brother-in-law at a wedding next month. How should I handle this?

Wilma

Wilma, Winston Churchill said, "A fanatic is one who won't change his mind and won't change the subject." Your husband understands this, and that is why he laughed it off. If you confront your brother-in-law at the wedding, you will look ridiculous. People will excuse him because he doesn't know better, but they will wonder, what's your excuse?

Wayne & Tamara

Skin Game

I'm a 37-year-old mother to one child, and wife to a 40-year-old husband. On my 35th birthday I did something I wanted to do for some time. I got my first tattoo. It is three roses on my lower back, each rose to represent each person in my wonderful family.

When I first told my husband I wanted to do it, he said absolutely no. I stood my ground. I didn't think he should tell me what I can or can't do with my body. The bottom line is I did it against his wishes. I love that tattoos are a way to express yourself, and this was my way of expressing how much my husband and daughter are the joy of my life.

The day I got it done my husband didn't want to look at it. As time went on he had no choice but to accept it. I have to explain we have a very healthy marriage. We have the usual little arguments here and there, but overall, we are a very happy couple who live a wonderful life in a beautiful resort community.

I know he adores me, almost to the point where it's not equal. I am attracted to him, of course, but I don't always express it as much as he does. He's always telling me how beautiful I am, and he loves to "show me off" to his guys at work. He's really a wonderful husband, we have great communication, and he is my best friend.

Here's my dilemma. I've been wanting to get another tattoo, smaller than the first. He says, "No way." I really want to but feel if I do, I'm going to be pushing it with him. Do I give in and not do something I feel passionate about? Or do I get the tattoo and hope it doesn't rock the boat with our marriage?

Melinda

Melinda, Alfred Hitchcock is sometimes given credit for inventing the term "McGuffin." In movies the McGuffin is what everyone is fighting over. In a movie about a cat burglar it's the diamonds; in the "Maltese Falcon" it's the statue. In itself the McGuffin doesn't matter much, and as the story moves forward, it matters less and less. It's real purpose is to get the action going.

A tattoo is the McGuffin in your story. You say the rose tattoo symbolizes your love for your family, but what will a second tattoo symbolize? Your husband thinks you're pretty as a picture, and you want to scrawl on the canvas. If he gets over a second tattoo, will you keep pushing the issue until you look like the illustrated woman?

Before you get more ink pushed under your skin, ask yourself what the real issue is. Another meaning for the word "tattoo" is a drumbeat used as a signal. You're sending a signal to your husband about an issue which is more than skin-deep.

Wayne & Tamara

Mother Or Madam

Each year my mother-in-law has her sons give her a birthday party at one of the sons' homes. This year she has invited all her sons' ex-girlfriends. All three of us daughters-in-law are upset. What should we do? She is the kind of woman who plays mean and nasty games with us just to get her own way.

Anneka

Anneka, recently Wayne has been reading Julius Caesar's account of his battles in Gaul. Caesar knew how to pick his battles. He wouldn't fight unless the fight was on favorable ground.

These days sex and dating are so closely linked we assume your husband and his brothers have been intimate with most if not all of these women. Your mother-in-law's actions are indefensible. This is a battle the daughters-in-law can wage and win. Take no prisoners. Reject her birthday plans.

When you don't stand up to abusive people, the abuse always gets worse.

Tamara

Guilty Mind

My wife worked for her previous employer for 10 years and became friendly with her male boss. Three years ago when the company was being sold, a series of meetings was held out of town with the merging business. During one of these trips she and her boss were alone for three days.

Business travel was nothing new for my wife. Each evening while she was away she would call me and the kids around the dinner hour. Late each night she would call me again to say goodnight. This was a standard you could bet on. During this particular trip she did not call for 30 hours.

Upon her arrival home the kids and I were glad to see her. I casually said, "Gee, no call to me or the kids?" I was dumfounded when she snapped back, "I was sleeping." She does not sleep well when away, even on family vacations, and she never ever sleeps the entire night. I got a terrible gut feeling.

That night a strange thing occurred. Normally she would unpack the next morning. However, this time as I was laying in bed about midnight she decided to unpack. She opened her suitcase, pulled out only her underwear, and placed them in the laundry basket in the bathroom.

When I got up to go to work, they weren't on top of the clothes basket. Thinking it odd, I looked among the dirty clothes until I saw them all tucked tight in the middle of the basket.

From that trip forward she was extremely cold to me. She did not want me to see her nude while dressing or preparing for a shower. She rolled away from me each evening in bed, and her body jumped when the male character on a television show shared the same name as her boss.

This was also the first year I did not get an anniversary card from her. Certainly emotional infidelity took place, and if I were a betting man, I'd say something physical happened as well.

Kieran

Kieran, sometimes behavior falls so cleanly into an archetypal pattern it makes us want to scream. When your wife came home late at night and removed her underwear from her luggage, what could we think of except Shakespeare's "Macbeth."

In that play Lady Macbeth urges her husband to kill Duncan, the previous king, and then in her sleep tries to wash imaginary blood off her hands. "Out damned spot! out, I say." All your wife had to do was go to bed and deal with the laundry in the morning.
But her guilty mind would not leave her alone.

Most people with guilty secrets have a problem. They don't know how to act to conceal what they've done. If you watch true crime shows, you often see the same pattern. The person who killed a spouse can't convincingly behave like someone whose spouse was taken from them by a violent act. This is true even when the murderer is a highly intelligent person like a rabbi or a surgeon.

People cannot resist telling you who they are. Even in spite of themselves they cannot resist telling you who they are. You will never know the truth from your wife, except by inference, but inference is a powerful way of knowing and your betting instincts are correct.

Aristotle grouped adultery with deserting a comrade in battle. From a religious standpoint, two of the ten commandments forbid adultery. One says don't do it, and the other says don't even think about it. Our own emotion, jealousy, tells us we can never be satisfied except with someone who loves us exclusively.

It makes sense that your wife didn't want you to see her naked. Aside from possibly hiding physical evidence, she was separating herself from you to be faithful to her new man. Cheaters want fidelity even in their infidelity.

Wayne & Tamara

Go Ask Alice

I am involved with a woman whose husband abandoned her. At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over his actions. He was unfaithful to her and moved out of the house twice. The first time he left she begged and begged for him to return, and he eventually did.

He promised he would be the perfect husband, but less than a year later he left a note in the kitchen saying he was leaving again and took all his stuff. He abandoned her completely. He had emotionally abused her in too many ways to mention.

I met her four months later. Initially I provided a sympathetic ear for all her problems. Slowly we became closer until one day she told me I made the pain go away and she loved me. I fell in love also, and she filed for divorce.

After he was served papers, I overheard a telephone conversation and was shocked to hear the abuse coming from him. He screamed profanities and made threats. I watched as she listened and afterwards told her his behavior was awful. She stated "he's just mad," no big deal.

I was leery that she was so prepared to rationalize for him, but she swore everlasting love to me. About six weeks ago her ex found out about our relationship. He promised he would do anything, including go to church, if she would take him back. He kicked it up a notch and confessed he was the worst husband ever.

He called and cried, playing the I'm-still-your-husband card. He kept her on the phone and dragged out the conversation. Last week she agreed to see him. More tears and begging. I told her this was pure manipulation and so did every friend and member of her family.

After a day of agony we recommitted our vows to each other, and I thought we were going to get through this. Last night we had a wonderful evening together. Then when she got home, he was waiting for her.

Around noon I received this e-mail. "Real love requires risk, putting one's feelings out there in the most vulnerable state. The thought of risking another chance with him scares me to death, but in reality, the risk would be no less with anyone. I believe this with all my heart." She is ignoring my phone calls, and I need advice.

Tyler

Tyler, she is an abused woman who is not ready to break the cycle of abuse. Framing her decision in terms of love makes sense to her, but that is a measure of how distorted her thinking is. Real love has nothing in common with her relationship to her ex.

A person eases into abuse one small step at a time. No one step seems large, but over time a person's perception of reality is changed. The leap from where she is to where you are is too great for her to make. It will be years before she can choose a healthy relationship over an abusive one. If there was something you could do to change her behavior, we would gladly share it, but the best thing you can do is accept her decision and move forward with your life.

Wayne & Tamara

A Week Later

Wow, you guys were right on the money. I learned today she let him move back in! How does one move from one bed to another so quickly? I don't know who is the bigger idiot, her or me.

Tyler

Tyler, without warning you were dropped into Oz, and like Dorothy, you are disoriented. You found yourself in a world where the rules most of us share don't apply. It is easier for her to leave her interior world intact than to step into your world. Life is simple in Oz, once you know the rules and decide not to question the man behind the curtain.

Wayne & Tamara

Check Back Regularly for New Advice Columns....

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.